Meme asks what if Robert Mueller is just procrastinating?

He has the Google doc open.
He has the Google doc open.
Image: Andrew Burton / Getty Images

As we all anxiously await the Mueller report, a curious theory has emerged: What if Robert Mueller, special counsel of the Russia investigation and former director of the FBI, is just procrastinating?

On a Friday afternoon — a great time to put off work — a lot of people wrote tweets about what Mueller might be up to in his procrastination hole. Sure, they might have done these tweets instead of doing their jobs, but that only makes the tweets better and more appropriate. (I say this because I participated.)

Anyway, we’re sure Mueller will send over his report once he gets back from his bike ride, makes a batch of chickpea stew, and does a few ten-minute YouTube workouts.

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The Scantron meme is a clever nod to finals week

Image: Getty Images

Scantrons are the bane of any student’s existence. But this meme might make them a little less nerve wracking. 

If you went through any sort of school system, you probably had to use a Scantron form to take a test. After agonizing over a multiple choice question, you scratched in what you hoped was the right answer with a No. 2 pencil and prayed to the standardized testing gods that you won’t get hit with a fuchsia incorrect mark.  

But the horrible test sheets are now a beautiful ASCII meme. The Scantron meme imagines a variety of characters attempting to take a multiple choice test in the only ways they know how, like this dolphin. 

Or mid-2000s Gwen Stefani. 

Since Thursday, the meme has taken over Twitter feeds. 

There were even crossovers with the “They live among us” meme, which banishes sinners like stoners to the depths of Scantron-less hell. 

If hell doesn’t have standardized tests, though, it doesn’t sound so bad. 

Some Twitter users leaned into Twitter’s formatting mess.

But Twitter’s formatting is still easier than dealing with the crushing anxiety of a multiple choice test.

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Dog destroys his local news interview

Some dogs were just born to be on camera.

One pup, Stanley the Collie, recently made a big splash on Network 10 Perth, a local news station located in Western Australia.

Just look at how he commands control of the conversation. And please, turn the volume up if you can to hear the chomp.

Here’s how the collie’s owner described the pup’s viral moment:

“Not to underwhelm you, but he didn’t do much,” Stanley’s owner, alicmack, wrote on Imgur. “A funny video of him went viral online and it was deemed newsworthy in my sweet, sleepy town.

Stanley is now one of the top posts on r/gifs, with over 49,900 upvotes.

Look at the video that made him web famous. He has a deeply intuitive understanding of balls.

Someone please make this pup an influencer, stat. He needs book deals, promotions, his own doggie clothing line. Stanley the Collie commanded that interview. He seized control of the mic, literally and figuratively.

He’s a doggo model. This is a puppy thirst trap.

He knows his angles.

Werk:

Internet, please make this pup a star. Thank you in advance!

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Seasonal Reese's are better than Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

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Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are obviously incredible, the envy of their chocolaty peers. But as Easter approaches and we begin to consider our springtime candy lineups (I assume everyone does this), it might be time to admit that specialty Reese’s — we’ll use the seasonal Reese’s Egg as an example — are better.

There are several key differences between Reese’s Cups and Reese’s Eggs, including size, shape, and the amount of peanut butter within the chocolate shell. Most notably, the cup has ridges and the egg does not. 

But Reese’s, it turns out, do not need ridges to be the best versions of themselves. In fact, they just need to be shapeless, chunky globs.

The peanut butter to chocolate ratio

People like Reese’s because they combine two good things that are also good together: peanut butter and chocolate. If a consumer wanted chocolate only, they’d eat a Hershey’s bar or one of those weird truffles in the corner of a Whitman’s sampler. It makes no sense that a Reese’s liker would not want each bite of their Reese’s to taste like a Reese’s: that is, like peanut butter and chocolate at the same time.

The trouble with the ridges: The thick edge they create disrupts the cup’s delicate peanut butter-chocolate balance. A bite including ridges will not contain as much peanut butter as a bite containing exclusively innards — and the latter is superior.

The best possible Reese’s bite is achieved by nibbling away the ridges around the entire perimeter: a method dubbed “stripping the gear” by the official blog for Hershey’s Chocolate World in Las Vegas (an authority on the matter). But there’s really only one of these bites inside the typical Reese’s; the rest are marred by the ridges. On a Reese’s egg, however, the entire surface is smooth and ridge-free. Every bite is the good bite, the perfect marriage of PB and C. 

The measurements

Any Reese’s of standard size will probably last you two to three bites, but the Reese’s Egg is slightly larger than the Cup. An investigative report from the Albany, New York-based publication All Over Albany found that a Reese’s Egg might weigh around 14 grams more than its cup counterpart — no small difference.

The egg they used in their test also contained 9 grams more peanut butter than the cup. (In fact, the egg contains the second-most peanut butter of any standard size Reese’s iteration, beaten only by the Reese’s Heart.) And what is the candy called? A Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup (or Egg, or Heart, or whatever). It’s right on the label!

The allure of limited edition treats

Any one of us could walk into CVS any old day and buy a 2-pack of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, house them, feel great, feel slightly bad, then feel fine again. But we can only do this with Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs — or Hearts, or Christmas Trees, or Pumpkins — during some parts of the year. 

This, of course, is incredibly alluring. We’re all vulnerable to the psychology of exclusivity, even if it’s just a limited edition holiday candy. When I see a Reese’s Cup in the checkout line, I feel nothing. But when I see a Reese’s Egg, I simply must have it. Who knows if one will be there the next time I find myself in this badly lit Duane Reade? (It probably will be.) And who knows when the next round of soft seasonal Reese’s will appear? (There will be pumpkins in the fall.)

Finally, the eggs are better because they come from hens.

If you disagree and think Reese’s Cups are the best, that is your opinion. However, you are legally obligated to send all your Reese’s Eggs to me by mail by Easter Sunday (April 21). Thank you.

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The Life Cycle of a Meme

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